I love home improvements.  There’s nothing like doing something I have no clue what I’m doing and dumping a ton of money I don’t have.  Every two years it seems that I have the urge to test my stupidity and try to do something to the house.  Thankfully , my future father-in-law does know what he’s doing and has been incredibility patient with me as I ask fifty thousand questions.  It’s not that I’m dumb.  It’s just I’m so far out of my element when it comes to construction that I just go to jello.

I’m a pretty confident guy in general because I’m awesome.  The best way to crush my ego is put a hammer in my hand.  I instantly become a fat, pimply junior high boy with armpit sweat stains at a dance.  Got the visual?  Good.  It’s also not because I’m lazy.  I’m a hard worker… if I know what I’m doing.  So in this situation, you have to give me VERY specific directions in which you need to me to do.  If you don’t, well, I’m going to hire someone else who does know what they are doing.  And I’m not made of money either.  I just don’t want to fuck up the final product and have to pay someone else more money later to come and fix my mistake.

Speaking of money, this backyard project is going to easily rival the cost of our wedding.  Our backyard is huge and because I want it done correctly, I have to hire out help.  This being my second major project (the kitchen being the first), I hit a point of saturation where my brain just shuts down and I pull out the credit card.  You need 50 rebar?  You got it.  Sand?  Sure.  I’ll have it delivered too because I just want it done.  Call it my way of helping stimulate the economy.

When I’m free spending, I just go a little out of control.  My sense of a budget goes out of the window with the hopes if I throw enough money at the project it will get done.  Where did I learn this?  Why it’s the American way!  Just look at how our government operates… ahhh zing.

Lowe’s is usually my drug of choice.  Because I’m timid around construction projects, when I ask people for help (I don’t even try to figure it out on my own) my vocabulary becomes that of an 8 year old girl.  “I need that thingy that goes over a pipe and makes it go shut.”  Seriously.  I have said shit like that and ask myself if I really do posses a master’s degree.  The best thing I love about big box home improvement stores is that you can go into them five times a day and no one judges you because most of them don’t give a shit.  Normally this would bug me.  But just like going to that shady bar in your town, it’s best to remain anonymous.  So I go back and forth to Lowes buying and returning things because again I have no idea what I am doing.

What I DO know what I’m doing is saving money on my Lowe’s card.  I have a project card from them.  It gives me six months of interest free on projects over $1,000.  Now this project is EASILY over $1,000, but it’s not all coming from Lowe’s.  But I needed $1,000 NOW.  So what did I do?  I bought a tankless water heater to return later.  It got me over my $1,000 AND opened my project window to keep on charging.  If you’re wondering what I’m doing with our wedding gifts, now you know… paying my Lowe’s card … five months from now.

The manual labor, although not my favorite, hasn’t been bad.  My lower back hates me.  But I’ve been kicking its ass moving sand, mulch, dirt, concrete, and what other goodies I find back there.  At the beginning, I had my sidekick Conner… but lately I’ve been flying solo because of logistical issues.  But I swear yesterday I missed him because I finished the job and I didn’t break a single tool.  Just for the record since I started this project, Conner has broken a wheel barrel, a rake, and a push broom.  So to finish the day with all my tools intact is a successful one.

Today the sod guy came and told me that I had to till the ground (again) and we’d be good to go for the grass after the irrigation system was put in (yes, more money).  Finally, I got some good news on the project.  So if you’re playing at home here’s the scorecard on the yard:

1 hole that was supposed to be 4 inches but wound up being 6 inches in some places

1 Tree that was removed

2 Stumps grinded and mulch moved

6 yards of sands trucked in

1 sidewalk removed

1 giant step

1 door replaced

200 ft of ground till and will need to be retiled

1 gate attacked and will have to be repaired

1 blister

1 pair of shoes ruined

My pride is scattered among the yard somewhere

If you’re someone reading this that said, well I could have done that no problem.  That’s nice; but you can go away.  I admire you for ability to do all these neat projects.  But my talents are far reaching and can do other things.  For instance, write checks for people who I know can do a better job than me.  So when you’re still out there because you fucked up your patio for the fourth time by cutting corners, I’ll be having vodka and whatever I have in my fridge on my perfectly paved patio and grass.  Who would be the idiot then?