Insanity is a dish best served microwaved

I learned last week that I can’t be everything to everyone. I try so hard to be what every one wants of me.  Not because I’m scared that they will not be my friend any more; it’s more of an endless appetite to please people.  It’s a huge flaw in my character and I don’t know how to fix it.  My friends and support unit doesn’t expect me to do anything more than be their friend.  However, I feel that I have to go above and beyond that to do things for them.  It’s not that I wouldn’t want to do anything for them, but I hate having the feeling of letting someone down.  Some people try to avoid confrontation at any cost, I avoid letting people down.  I won’t do anything that is grossly illegal or immoral, but I’ve danced the line of my own ethics.  I just don’t know how to stop myself before I even get to the line?  I know my friends and family love me and support me.  They don’t want to put me in that position.  But I do it and then run myself mentally and physically tired when my judgment just goes. 

I also think that sometimes I’m a wimp.  I constantly need to step back and recharge.  Then I see these other people that just go, go, go.  I wonder if I’m just whining because I need to take time for myself to recharge my batteries?  I mean, I do work a lot.  I make a joke that I don’t really work, but it really is just a facade for the most part.  There’s not a day in the week that I am not doing SOMETHING for work around my house.  It just flows with my day so much that I don’t realize that I’m working.  But the thing is that I’m surrounded by job.  I can’t escape it.  The phone rings at 6p on a Sunday evening.  Why?  Because it’s easier to deal with it then, than having to call them back.  Plus, in some weird way, I feel I’m letting them down if I don’t answer it.  It’s a sick little cycle I’ve got myself into.

Well something had to give and it did.  I put myself in a position where my judgment was poor and it got me in trouble.  I’ve spent the weekend really thinking about it.  Of course the best place for me to process things is while I’m running.  I don’t need to be THAT person for everyone.  I’m not a therapist or someone that has to be there for everything someone needs.  There are some people that I will still do anything for at anytime.  But I don’t need to be there for my former students, club members, or distant friends.  They will still be part of my life, but I am not part of their support unit and them not of mine.  I have to really look at who is supporting me in my life and support those people in the same way.

When I look at my life now, I feel I have it under control.  But when I really look at it where my commitments run, I can see where I’m tiring myself out.  First there’s work.  I’m officiating another powder puff game for my customers.  Although I enjoy doing it, it’s above and beyond what I need to do for my customers.  I just always jump in there because I felt the same way when I was an Activities Director.  Plus, it’s graduation season and I’m running around in circles to make everyone happy. Second, there’s my master’s program.  This semester has been not bad, but carrying nine master’s level units, working full time, and trying to have a life is beating me up.  I just feel that it’s just ANOTHER thing.  I know it will pay off for me in the long run, but I’m just ready to give up. Then I have my service club.  Which I enjoy, but it’s more work than what I am getting out of it.  It takes up two Tuesday nights a week and I’ve met some great people from it.  However, I don’t really hang out with these people outside of the club meetings, so I don’t know if it’s really worth the time commitment.  Finally, there’s my friend commitments.  Saying yes to dinner when I have homework or had dinner defrosting at home.  Rearranging my schedule to make something work for someone else when I really needed to keep the schedule the way I had it planned.  Just saying yes to hang out when I really just need some alone time.

So I think that’s where I am, I need alone time to refocus and recenter myself.  I got rocked last week and until I can feel that I’m re-centered, I don’t think I am good to anyone–including myself.